Can't Stay
by Caffae
Summary: Qing Chuan, after Su Yan jumps. What was the real reason she rejected the 4th Prince? Not because of what he was like or what he had done. But to salvage what she could of her heart.


Qing Chuan struggled to lift herself above the ledge, looking down she saw Su Yan lying lifelessly on the stone pavement below. _So this is the result of loving the Fourth Prince…_

A groan from behind her caught her attention, she turned her head towards the source. _Eighth Prince!_ Qing Chaun hurried moved to check on Yin Si, he was trying to get up even with the wound piercing his stomach. _He did all this for me… Even after I chose the fourth prince… He didn't even hesitate before stabbing himself to save me._

She knelt at his side and put pressure on his wound to stop the bleeding. _He's bleeding so much…_ she called out, "Guards! Come quick! Guards!"

The nearby platoon that were patrolling rushed up the steps at her call.

Over the sound of the troops approaching, Qing Chuan tearily asked "Why? Why are you so stupid! You could have died! Why didn't you just let her kill me" Yin Si looked up at her with a smile even as he winced in pain, "I don't know, I couldn't… I couldn't ever see letting you die as an option."

Qing Chun could only watch as the guards summoned the imperial physician to treat him, _I owe him so much… and he loves me so much…_

* * *

Qing Chuan guiltily looked up at Yin Si, _He is still wounded… But I need to put an end to this… I need to know… only then can I decide._

Stepping towards Yin Si, Qing Chuan tugged on his sleeve and pleaded "Can you take me to the fourth prince's manor?" She looked up and met his eyes, "There is something I have to ask him."

Yin Si, nodded "I'll bring you there right now." He winced as he stood up but offered his arm to her anyways, "Come on."

* * *

Walking towards the Fourth's Prince's Manor, Qing Chuan thought over her options.

 _The Fourth Prince, Ying Zhen, I like him, I really like him. He makes me feel safe, protected and loved. The first time we met on the pebble steps, he made my heart beat. When we talked with a screen between us, I started to like him. When we met under the stars, I fell for him._

 _But he has a wife… he had me when he already had a wife… would he cheat on me? Even if we are in the past… I.. don't think my heart can take him loving another woman. And he will be the emperor… so I will have to share him with thousands? I… can't do that._

Her heart felt like it was being stabbed with shards of glass, as she contemplated sharing Yin Zhen but the mere thought of leaving him made her heart ache. Qing Chuan glanced at Yin Si beside her, he winced with each step he took but he continued to lead her towards Yin Zhen's estate. _Just because I asked him to… he's bringing me to the Fourth's manor without question..._

 _Yin Si, in the past, he was so mean and childish…then he decided he liked me and chased after me... Now, he has really changed._

 _Did he really change himself for me? He said… that he worked hard since I left… to be able to protect me better._

 _He tries so hard… like that time he waited for me in the rain for hours… would the Fourth Prince have done that?_

 _I won't have to share him with other women. He would be true to me and only me..._

 _What do I do?_

Qing Chuan spotted Yin Zhen coming towards her with the beginnings of a smile. _Oh fourth,_ His expression was slightly concerned as he asked her why she came.

"I have something I need to ask you…" she replied.

 _Did you just leave your wife? You're happy… you really didn't care for her, did you… did you ever care for her? Or was she just a tool to get to the throne… Am I a tool to get to the throne too? Will you just dismiss me from your life like you did your wife? Will I end up like her? Will I end up like Su Yan?_

"Ask me." Yin Zhen sincerely smiled at her.

 _Oh fourth… I'm sorry._

 _I can't… do this. I can't stay with you._

Looking at his smile, Qing Chuan knew she couldn't hesitate any longer, or she would never be able to do this.

"Did you send Su Yan into the palace?"

 _Say no. Please deny it. She was delusional… and lying about that… and everything else… right?_

His hesitant nod nearly broke her heart.

"Did you try to … have me killed?" Qing Chuan asked with hope that this… this he would deny.

His hesitance in answering already told her the truth but she pushed on.

 _I need to hear it from you, I can't let go of you unless I hear this… Even then I might not be able to get over you._

"Please, answer me." Qing Chuan pleaded, clinging to her last shred of hope.

"Yes, I did."

 _Oh… Oh..._

Qing Chuan felt she could pin point the exact moment she felt her heart break. An aching numbness settled over her.

 _So this is why they call it heart break, it feels as if you no longer have a heart._

Yin Zhen tried to explain but she stopped him.

 _I can't bear to hear anymore of your words. It hurts… It really really hurts._

"I have heard enough." she said with a wince.

 _I have heard more than enough._

"I know what kind of person you are now."

 _I wish I didn't. Like you said… This was a dream… I never wanted to wake up from._

"You are not fit to be king."

 _You are not who I thought you were. You are not who I hoped you were._

Qing Chuan turned to Yin Si and together they left.

 _I choose him._

 _Even if I love you… I choose him over you._

 _I may love you till the stars die but I won't stay with you… can't stay with you._

She didn't look back, but she could feel his anguished stare on her back, could feel his pain… that was mirrored in her heart.

 _Fourth, I'm so sorry_


End file.
